i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
