i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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