i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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