my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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