On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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