In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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