he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
