she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
