If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
