Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
