I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
