cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I need a beard to bite.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
