I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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