So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
