oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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