If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
