i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
