Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
