I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
