If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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