I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
