I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Randomize