I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
