Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
