god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
