So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
