dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
