I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A bitchslap is in order.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
