hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
