So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
