Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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