we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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