my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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