So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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