Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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