yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
