last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
