seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
