she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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