I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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