Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she looked like the before picture.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
