i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
