When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
do herpes really smell.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
