Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
