i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
