My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
