Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
