All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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