Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
