I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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