He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
