I didn't shave. On purpose
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
