She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
