I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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