Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
