we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
