every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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