I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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