First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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