im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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