I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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