I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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