The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
