you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
well you can't waste a boner
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
